Lee Camp Military Original

Lee Camp: Why Biden’s Choice to Bomb Outer Space Is So Damn Exciting

At a time of unprecedented crises, what Americans and the world needs most is obviously another arena for humans to annihilate each other in.
[Tyler Merbler / CC BY 2.0]

By Lee Camp / Original to ScheerPost

President Biden has announced he will be continuing to build Donald Trump’s Space Force — an idea Trump probably dreamed up while high on some bizarre pills his special “doctor” gave him and had left the rubber cement jar open on his desk. The Space Force is the new branch of our military designed to conquer and kill things in outer space. That might not be word-for-word from their mission statement, but I’d wager it’s close. Pretty sure their jackets say, “Let’s kill some shit in space.” And, let’s face it — we don’t know what’s in outer space. But whatever it is, we know it needs to be killed. 

Before you ask — Yes, Space Force is exactly what humanity desperately needs right now. Having spent millions of years killing and conquering and torturing each other here on the terra firma, I think we’re all feeling kinda claustrophobic and bored. I think we all want to get out into the wide open infinite territory of the great and awesome cosmos and murder our fellow humans there, for a change. (If anyone’s wondering, the answer to the Fermi Paradox — Where are all the aliens? — is that all intelligent civilizations eventually develop the technology to kill themselves at the push of a button. Eventually someone, well, pushes the button. … His name is usually Tony.) 

Space Force is also just the thing Americans need right now because our infrastructure is collapsing, our environment is struggling, our political system is only a half goose-step away from fascism, and our spiritual health is blinking red “ALERT.” Most of us can’t figure out a purpose for life other than just cleaning out the industrial pork-smasher in the back of Taco Bell. So considering how well things are going in this—the number one country on the planet—it’s time to expand to greener pastures (which are mostly pitch black). It’s time to expand into the Milky Way in order to grow our parasitic, deadly socioeconomic system. (I’m pretty sure MLK Jr. said something similar, not in a speech but in a diner in Tennessee.)

And think about it — ever since the maiden rocket escaped Earth’s atmosphere and explored space for the first time, most of the discussion, thought, preparation, and planning we’ve done has been… well… positive and cooperative. It’s almost exclusively been about discovery and exploration and science and knowledge. You know—all that wussy shit. We have not spent enough time really looking into how we can kill a lot of people from space. I mean, sure, our Pentagon has always had a few blueprints lying around that say, “Maybe we could shoot Russians with moon lasers,” but for the most part, we’ve had cooperation at the International Space Station, and we’ve celebrated space exploration as human beings rather than just stewing in fury that the Chinese achieved something or the Russians did something. We shared vodka up on the International Space Station for fuck’s sake! Enough of this “Kumbaya let’s all live together in harmony” horseshit! I agree with Joe Biden — it’s high time we got into the killing mood

We need more guns and bombs, and nuclear shit (strapped to robots, of course). That’s the only way we’ll achieve peace. 

The nuclear weapons we have here on Earth would only allow for the full destruction of humanity a few hundred times over. A study found that if 100 nuclear weapons were used, the environmental destruction to the planet would be immense — wiping out most life, obviously including the countries who SHOT the weapons. All it would take is  100 nuclear bombs to truly ruin everything humans have ever known. 

Yet, humanity now owns roughly 13,000 nukes (as the kids call them) — most of those are in the U.S. and Russia. 

I say “roughly 13,000” because who knows where EVERY nuclear bomb is. There’s probably a couple in some guy’s shed that he got from a yard sale outback a Waffle House in Quantico, VA. I mean, you can’t expect us to keep track of every single one. That requires paperwork and data entry. Who has the time?

Point being, we easily have enough nuclear bombs to kill humanity 150 times over, and Joe Biden’s actions make it clear that we need more. What if we wipe out life on earth 150 times, and then want to keep going, huh? What then? You never know what mood we’ll be in at that point. I bet after watching several billion humans perish, you might be in a bit of a funk. And you might want a cigarette, a shot of strong whiskey, and to fire some nuclear fucking weapons! And maybe, just maybe, you want to fire them from space. And yet, if we don’t keep the Space Force going, you won’t be able to do that. And then how bummed will you be?! 

It’s time for humanity to find bold new areas of the galaxy wherein to murder each other. For all we know, when you shoot someone on Venus their body explodes into a thousand shards of frozen blood and flesh (which sounds awesome), but we haven’t tried it yet because we’ve been too stingy to devote the resources to getting it done. Now is the time for that scientific endeavor. 

I have an idea. Maybe once we funnel even more funds into our new Space Force, we can bomb climate change into submission. Has anyone thought of that? It’s worth a try. You know what they say, “When your only tool is a hammer… every problem can totally be bombed!”

Point being, I want to say thank you, President Biden. Thank you for pushing us ever closer to extinction — in a unique and interesting way, you belligerent, warhawk, senile old bag of wrinkles.  

Our government spends trillions upon trillions of dollars on various wars and war zones — recently adding outer space to the list — and meanwhile regular people, here on the ground, continue to suffer immensely. 

One in three Americans had trouble paying their bills last year — but we’re sending guns to outer space. 

Tens of millions have lost their employer-based health care coverage since the pandemic began—but we’re sending guns to outer space.

We can’t get vaccines and treatments to people who desperately need them during a pandemic—but we can get guns to outer space! …And at the end of the day, isn’t that all that matters?

Lee Camp is the host of the hit comedy news show “Redacted Tonight.” His book “Bullet Points and Punch Lines” is available at LeeCampBook.com and his stand-up comedy special can be streamed for free at LeeCampAmerican.com.

18 comments

  1. If anyone is shot on Venus, it will be too hot for the blood and flesh to freeze. Possibly it might burst into flame, causing some really extraordinary fireworks, but Venus is too close to the sun for freezing.

  2. As with Reagan who openly warned from the UN lectern that all our differences would seem inconsequential if we faced a threat from people from other planets, the Space Force spending, like Reagan’s Star Wars spending before it, is directed not at the Cold War threat but at the greatest threat the planet faces other than climate change, and which is possibly a consequence of that climate change: the threat of an ET takeover. The sad or perhaps comforting fact , – as those with the bigger picture may see it it – is that the government can pretty much keep secrets, using the usual “intelligence community” tools of misdirection, ridicule, and public interface organisations that occasionally hire astronauts. What if, apparently contrary to our moderator’s view, who invited me to go elsewhere to work through some issues, over this point, the abduction data does actually presage purposeful activity and plans on behalf of the aliens, and the government knows it? Didn’t Ben Rich, late head of Lockheed’s “Skunk” works, let slip that he’d been given a contract to take ET home and that “everything you see on Star Trek we already know how to do. “? Since the day General Roger Ramey sent a weather balloon back from Fort Worth to Roswell while sending the real wreckage on to Wright Field, the U.S. And other governments have been trying to gain air parity with the aliens, with the side benefit that any single feature of the alien technology which can be either figured out or better, recovered and copied, will give them a field lead in military hardware over their merely global enemies. This was the origin of the secrecy which became fundamental to the attempted discrediting of the UFO problem, and now sustains the public’s poor appreciation of the reasons for which their government may be taking weaponry into space. As you can see from NASA’s new rover, there’s a lot of real estate in space, and not much of it has beaches and trees. Old as this theme is in science fiction, some ET creatures might be sorry to see that go, and be prepared to act to save it.

  3. Uncle Scam has NO ROCKET ENGINES that work.
    Only the Russian rocket engines get USA to the Space Station.
    Uncle Scam is depending on Elon Musk and his corpulent class-
    mates to make this pretend Space Force a pipe dream.

  4. Lyrics
    A rat done bit my sister Nell.
    (with Whitey on the moon)
    Her face and arms began to swell.
    (and Whitey’s on the moon)
    I can’t pay no doctor bill.
    (but Whitey’s on the moon)
    Ten years from now I’ll be payin’ still.
    (while Whitey’s on the moon)
    The man jus’ upped my rent las’ night.
    (’cause Whitey’s on the moon)
    No hot water, no toilets, no lights.
    (but Whitey’s on the moon)
    I wonder why he’s uppi’ me?
    (’cause Whitey’s on the moon?)
    I was already payin’ ‘im fifty a week.
    (with Whitey on the moon)
    Taxes takin’ my whole damn check,
    Junkies makin’ me a nervous wreck,
    The price of food is goin’ up,
    An’ as if all that shit wasn’t enough
    A rat done bit my sister Nell.
    (with Whitey on the moon)
    Her face an’ arm began to swell.
    (but Whitey’s on the moon)
    Was all that money I made las’ year
    (for Whitey on the moon?)
    How come there ain’t no money here?
    (Hm! Whitey’s on the moon)
    Y’know I jus’ ’bout had my fill
    (of Whitey on the moon)
    I think I’ll sen’ these doctor bills,
    Airmail special
    (to Whitey on the moon)

    While Camps piece is amusing, I think Gil Scott Heron summed it up better a couple of generations ago

  5. Brilliant. True, very true. And leave it to war mongering Presidents to give Space Relations to the Military, the best of all Cowboys ready to rip up the territory guns a-blazing shoot at anything that moves or anything we do not understand, which is most everything.

    Will we ever become docile loving universal peace promoting beings? Or is it the simple nature in this third density planetary system that the duality always must prevail with its yin yang shift in the power matrix? Will it always be might makes right? Will we ever really understand that universal peace is the only way for humanity to progress into the universe. What makes Presidents think that highly superior beings in space will let us head out into their domain with our scalar beam six shooters. This is more mindlessness without ever having a true public discourse on the topic. What if we are a simple experiment and we are failing??? Then what? We are history!!! And so what, what peaceful civilization would want us around anyway with all of the horror and atrocities we bring? Our reputation in the cosmos has to be very poor on a scale of 100 to negative 100 where we are right now. To highly advances civilizations we are the Criminal Element starting at the top where all lies begin and then filter down to the street level where they are copied, with the exception that those at the top never go to jail. The Monetary system is as criminal as the players. We need to move beyond it to a society that has no incentive to kill for anything. That wont happen over night.

  6. It is all about DISTRACTION ladies and gentlemen. Because if you were not lost in all of the distractions you would know that the 1% cabal owns everything. They don’t pay taxes, no do they ever suffer criminal sanctions of any kind. You would know how badly off you and most of your friends and neighbors are living in a debt slavery system where you NEVER get ahead. The idea is you die broke that way the rich know they got the most out of you. They don’t care about your families, the kids etc. They want a planet with only 500 million people on it so they can control everyone easily. You’d also know we do not have a Democracy. We have a pay to play system that provides more to those who pay. And now they want to make criminals out of anyone who does not agree with the majority political party. That’s called Fascism but who’s looking. Who cares in this self absorbed I me my world? We better start caring yesterday if we want to be free tomorrow.

  7. Brother Lee again another brilliant piece! What can we expect from the new mass murderer in the White House who has never met a war he doesn’t love. This is another old white man who now wants a renewed cold war with China to keep his buddies in the defence industry employed! Let’s just face it peace, justice, global cooperation are just bad for business, forever war, regime change, conquest and chaos the dollars just keep rolling in, never mind that Amerika hasn’t won a war since World War II. Granada, Panama, these don’t count as it ‘s just the neighbourhood bully stealing milk money. Let’s hear it for Amerika’s cult of the soldier the true religion of the Empire, authentic Christianity and Jesus’ teaching of nonviolence were thrown out long ago by the good ol USA!

  8. This is probably because Aliens have already contacted us, and the Rich Capitalists are desperate to keep them the Hell Away from Earth.

    They Probably said something like …
    “GREETINGS EARTHLINGS!
    We represent the Union of United Planets of the Universe.
    We can help you with your Environmental and Political problems so you can live l as we do- share everything and live in peace and harmony with the Environment of the Universe.
    Waiting for your response-
    Peace to All.

  9. Such an integrity-rich and muse-fully Brilliant (Bodhisattva White Light of the Clear Void) Jungian-like comedic article! Makes me think of George Carlin and Dr. Strangelove – not to mention Mr. Fish;)! Yes, How creatively humorous in intelligence/imagination/compassionate and courage do you have to be to realize that someone else is more creatively humorous in intelligence/imagination/compassion & courage than you? How lovingly wise & insightful? soulful? spirited? fill in the blank beloved reader… // ”A thing can be explained only by what is more subtle than itself; there is nothing subtler than love: by what then shall love be explained?” ~Sumnun // Thanks for having such a wonderfully wholesome Heart like an alchemists furnace that can [& does] refine me [and you & all the rest of us] out of existence.. and back again… Keep up the Great Work Brother Camp

  10. PS ”Reality is what you can get away with.” ~ Robert Anton Wilson 😉

  11. There is a treaty banning nuclear weapons in space just like the treaties banning chemical and biological weapons the US military always dutifully follows all treaties including those with sovereign indigenous nations. The US has violated all 400+ such treaties? No? It is all classified but I would bet the farm that the US has had many nuclear bombs in space since the 60s. The eclectro-magnetic pulse from two to four strategically spaced bombs could wipe out all electronic devices in space and on the earth disabling all satellites, radar, power grids and smart phones but leave people mostly unharmed. Hey people but no smart phones or TV? An idea whose time has come. Go Space Force!!!

  12. It is our moral responsibility to bring “democracy” in the form of our weapons and technology of death to the vacuum of space. You could call it our Cosmic Manifest Destiny to bring the salvation of capitalist exploitation and military domination to the great black. All in the name of our exceptional god given right to commodity and then extract all under heaven, in the name of liberty, and the pursuit of our capitalist’s happiness, at the cost of yours. It won’t be easy or without great, great expense, but such a moral imperative can only happen with tremendous MIC profits. After all, that’s what makes us great. One nation, under arms, indiscriminate, and economic subjugation for all. So help us god.

  13. The truly sad thing is that most Americans don’t know about this, and wouldn’t even care about this if they did know. They don’t care about bombing Syria already, probably Iran soon, nor what we are doing in Venezuela, Brazil, and the rest of those countries that they couldn’t identify on a map.

  14. It seems that Biden, who was looking pretty good at his post so far, now wants to sign-off on yet another military boondoggle. Will he be willing to raise the tax rates on Wealthy Americans to pay for it?

  15. First things first. I think Biden & Co. want to Beautiful America’s Streets by sweeping away the poor/homeless, disposing of them. After all, they are mere surplus population, not of current use to employers/the corporate state.

  16. You know the REAL problem isn’t Venus – a very nice beach resort at 867°F – but our OTHER close neighbor.

    That’s right, THE RED PLANET wants to destroy our way-of-“life”, so GO! Space Force Wars, I mean, Trek!

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: