I can’t. I can’t go on. Not like this—knowing so much about the richest man in the world. The research I’ve done—it haunts my dreams and infests my prana. It’s turned my lifeblood to a thick spoiled gravy.
Let me back up.
Elon Musk, the richest man in the world—if you care about that kind of thing. We’re supposed to care. We’re supposed to view him as some kind of overlord or daddy figure or something. I suppose it’s appropriate that the first trillionaire is a hair-plugged space Nazi with a breeding fetish. Seems on-brand for America. The true America. The America they try to distract us from with reality shows and fried chicken in a bowl. The America we only speak about in hushed tones on moonless nights when only the cephalopods are out.
So do you know the REAL Elon? Well, it’s time to learn.
Elon Musk—born June 28, 1971 in South Africa. That’s right—his accent is not actually the out-gassing of nanobots attempting to sound human. It’s South African. …mixed with a double helping of screaming douchebag. You gotta get the percentages right or the experiment just won’t work. I think it’s 70/30.
That also means that if you’re one of these right-wing Americans who has a micro chubby for Elon, I have some rough news. Elon is an immigrant. Yeah. I’m sorry. But it’s true. A dirty lazy immigrant—coming to America to take all the good trillionaire astronaut Goebels jobs. You’re telling me an American couldn’t have the job telling us we’re all going to Mars when we absolutely aren’t? You’re telling me there are no Americans who could tell engineers to create an auto-driving car that decapitates a good amount of drivers? (I’m gonna say too many drivers.) I know Americans who majored in that in college. They’re my friends. They deserve employment.
But I guess this isn’t new. Operation Paperclip was in the 1950s—bringing Nazis over to take our jobs. It’s as American as apple pie. Well, the double crust apple pie was German originally. Damn it. I guess the expression should be “As American as Nazis.” …But then we’d have to get new commemorative July 4th soda cups. And who has the time?
If we really wanna know about Elon Musk, we gotta talk about his father. Dear ol’ papa. Sigmund Freud would be proud, if he were alive …and not coked up. Errol Musk was an engineer, businessman, property developer and proud incest-er? …Incestist? I failed out of grammatician class. I don’t know.
But that’s right, Errol Musk had two daughters with his—I don’t know if I can say it—with his… step daughter. Ugggh. Oh god. I feel my lunch making a reappearance. He raised his wife since she was a toddler. Ugggggh. I feel like I’m reading a dirty Mad Libs written by Larry Flint. Just imagine the moment Errol had to tell his new daughters, “Ladies, this is your mom and your sister. It’s a little confusing. I would draw a chart for you but it’s just a circle. …Here are some emeralds to help pay for the therapy bills.”
I know what you’re thinking—being raised by Emperor Palpatine probably had a bad impact on little Elon. But nope. Luckily none of that creepiness around fatherhood rubbed off on Elon. He’s an excellent and caring father to his fourteen, or sixteen, or whatever, kids he has with, like, four or six women. But, he has met most of those children at least once. So if I have this right—and I do—he’s an immigrant with 14 anchor babies. Why do right-wingers like him again?? He’s their worst nightmare. It’s like if the Proud Boys’ logo were a rainbow flag in the shape of a Black power fist. …With Elton John’s face next to it.
I’m feeling dizzy. Should I take Klonopin or Dramamine for this? Maybe both? Ground up and stirred into a slippery nipple? That’s gotta work.
Back to Elon’s early days. There are some reports his father sold their private jet for half a Zambian emerald mine. (We’ve all been there. Hell, I sold my emerald mine for a half a tab of LSD. …It’s okay. I had two other mines. I have business savvy.)
Anyway, even though Elon has talked about the emeralds in previous interviews, he has since changed his tune and said none of it’s true. You have to feel bad for his poor assistant who has to try to explain how regular humans behave to Elon’s super computer stuck on a porn site brain ball. “Um, Elon, uh, Mr. Elon, sir. Maybe stop referencing your childhood emerald mines. It’s not, um, making you relatable in the way you think it is. Also, if you ever again say ‘my nieces-slash-sisters,’ it will be too soon.”
What’s quite clear, emerald mine or not, is that his family was rich and at various times had private jets, sailboats, a lot of cars, and a few horses. …I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say the Black folks in apartheid South Africa didn’t own as many horses and jets. …Probably only a couple jets each, you know? Times were lean.
Point being, Elon Musk was not just born on third base. He was born dry humping home plate. But yeah, the rest of you should pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Why aren’t we working harder?? Weekends are for the weak! It’s right there in the name. The Teslas aren’t gonna catch fire by themselves. …Actually they are. That’s been an ongoing problem, but we’ll get to that later.
Elon lived with his abusive father for awhile, then moved to Canada with his mommy. I mean, of all his crimes, the worst may be… he became Canadian. Gross. So on top of being rich, he was also balls-deep in hockey and free healthcare?/ What a dirty dirty boy.
Okay, so then he moves to the US and gets a couple college degrees. In the fairly early days of the internet he created an online yellow pages called Zip2. It was amazing! It was unbelievable! It was so good that when the big-money investors came in, they said Musk had to step aside as CEO and all of his terrible code had to be rewritten by programmers who—you know—knew what the fuck they were doing. …That’s when you know you’re a genius—when you create something that needs to be completely remade from the ground up. But you get a lot of money for it. Soooo, it’s kinda like Elon was paid for sucking. …What’s more genius than that?
But this is when Elon Musk honed his most important skills for our corporate capitalist landscape—lying to investors and forcing the workers under him to work until their flesh fell off their bones like perfectly cooked barbecue. Two very important skills to have in order to win at the game of America. Man, he is just like Tony Stark in Iron Man. (Remember when Iron Man lies to those venture capital billionaires to steal a lot of their money and then force children in Zambia to build his Iron Man suit for pennies? I think it was Iron Man… three? I wanna say three.)
Musk made $22 Million when Zip2 was sold to Compaq. But a true genius wouldn’t stop there. Why walk away with 22 mil when you can grow that into 10 billion, a pile of babies, and a warehouse full of human souls?
So he parlayed that 20 million into becoming the cofounder of a little thing called PAYPAL! …Not actually. He didn’t do that. But he wants you to think he did, and isn’t that the important thing? It’s the thought that counts. He needs to believe he’s super special to make that pervy daddy guy that lives in his head happy. So, I guess, we should support his journey? Or help him. I don’t know what we’re doing anymore, honestly.
Here’s what actually happened. Musk founded X.com—not the X.com you’re thinking of. This one was a clunky malfunctioning online payment processor. X.com then merged with a company called Confinity that actually had created Paypal a year earlier. Once they were merged—when two became one… (It was all very naughty. I just hope none of it involved a stepdaughter.) Once they merged, Musk immediately tried to get the board to change the name of Paypal to X.com, but everyone thought it sounded like a porn site. …Which it totally does. If your favorite social media has a bunch of Xs in it, there’s zero chance your keyboard isn’t sticky.
Confinity was created by Peter Thiel—yeah, the guy who owns much of the US government now, funded the entire rise of J.D. Vance, creates data analysis and surveillance to help kill children, and also has young people’s blood pumped into his body to keep the antichrist at bay. …Or maybe it’s to help the antichrist? I’m not clear on that. …Point is, if you’re young and reading this, you can send some blood to Peter Thiel using a Ziploc bag and a crazy straw and, in return, he’ll send you a commemorative weapons system from Palantir.
Musk was the CEO of Paypal for about 7 minutes before they manufactured a coup to remove him for doing an awful job and trying to turn it into a porn site. I can’t believe they didn’t see the genius of the guy talking about seeding the cosmos with his sperm.
Three years later Paypal sold to Ebay and Musk raked in almost $400 Million for… um… again for sucking, I guess… No one has made more money from sucking in the history of humanity. This guy really is an artist—not a con artist but some kind of suck artist.
But then Elon went on to found Tesla! …No, wait. That’s not right. …Well, he invented electric cars! …No, that’s not it. …Well, he invented Tesla electric cars! …No, nope. …Sorry, my notes are confusing. …He invented… What the fuck did he do?!
Ah, here it is. He basically bought into an existing electric car company named—wait for it—Tesla. Oh, that explains a lot. That’s why Tesla has a cool name while everything else Musk is involved in is just some version of X or sex or SpaceX—which he thinks is funny because it sounds like “space sex.” And oh yeah, there’s his Boring Company – named the Boring Company, which is another joke a fourth grader would make. I realize now I’m not offended because Elon Musk is a trillionaire space nazi with a breeding fetish. I’m offended by his sense of humor. We’re all being subjected to the biggest and worst jokes ever told.
He thought he was hilarious carrying a kitchen sink into Twitter headquarters to demonstrate he was going to radically change everything including throwing out the kitchen sink. But the joke doesn’t work because he brought the kitchen sink INTO the building. …So it’s backwards to the joke he was trying to make. He carried a fucking sink in. …It hurts. It hurts my brain. Things are getting dark in here. …Not sure if I need dramamine or a miner’s headlamp. …The darkness is closing in. I shouldn’t have spelunked this deep.
Anyway, after a few years he succeeded at forcing out the real founders of Tesla and putting himself at the helm. It is true that with Musk as CEO Tesla stock went straight up like a rock, hard space sex rocket ship. But we should probably mention that the stock price, much like Sylvester Stallone’s face, does not represent reality. And in fact until 2020, Tesla was only making a profit because it was selling carbon offset credits to other companies. Basically selling climate crisis credits. “Here, we didn’t pollute as much as some companies—so you can buy our slight lack of pollution from us and go do tons of pollution yourself.” Kinda the opposite of being a company that is positive for the earth—which was what Musk used to tell everyone. And if it weren’t for those credits, which is a form of government subsidy, Tesla would not have pulled in a profit.
Tesla cars have a million problems, but perhaps the worst is the fact that they tend to catch fire a lot—sometimes while just sitting there. And these fires have been confirmed to have killed at least 30 people. But I guess it’s fine because if you find yourself in one of those conflagrations, you can rest assured that you’re giving your life to progress or genius or incest or something.
Then there’s Tesla’s self-driving mechanism which has killed at least 65 people according to one investigation. Sorry, 65 people so far. They’re just gettin’ warmed up. (Soon they’ll catch fire.)
But there is one thing Elon Musk invented—treating his workers like utter garbage. …No, that’s not true. We’ve been doing that in America since day one. In fact, Americans didn’t even get to clock in until day two of America—even though they were totally working unpaid on day one.
There have been too many workplace injuries and abuse claims against Tesla to even begin to list them all without using more of my Klonopin supply. But it’s worth noting it’s way more than other top car companies combined. Perhaps one of the reasons is because reportedly Elon Musk doesn’t like the color yellow and therefore had all the yellow caution paint removed from the factory floor. …It’s not a bad idea. I don’t like the color red—so I removed all the stop signs in my neighborhood, and it’s never looked better. There’s a few departed children and dogs and stuff, but the city cleans those up pretty quick.
Musk now denies the yellow paint thing, but he also denies pretty much everything about his life—unless it didn’t happen—like founding Tesla and Paypal. Then he wholeheartedly stands by it. He lives in kinda a fake reality, like a simulation. But then again he says we’re all in a simulation.
He also created an intricate system of tunnels throughout California and Nevada allowing people to avoid traffic by going underground. It changed whole cities overnight! Allowing the wealthy to avoid the unwashed masses! Thank god! …Oh wait, no, he promised that but instead has built one tunnel in Las Vegas that is basically slower than any other form of transportation. He essentially “invented” a subway system that can take 1/1,000 the number of people a regular subway can—and only goes from the Las Vegas Convention Center to, like, two places in Las Vegas. I think it’s the IHOP on Route 1 and the petting zoo at the Golden Nugget. But it has shiny lights in the tunnel. So there’s that.
And of course Musk didn’t found Twitter either. He just bought it and drove it into the ground, turning it into a cesspool of rightwing lunacy with an occasional funny meme. But now his posts get a lot of retweets or “re-Xs” or whatever, which helps make that pervy daddy in his heart smile. It’s kinda like if you bought NIKE so you could make your own shoes with your name on them—which you totally got to do. But the shoes were awful and smelled like pee and you lost billions of dollars in the process.
Then there’s Elon’s latest move, which made him the world’s first trillionaire. Ugh. I feel like “The world’s first trillionaire was a Nazi” could be the title of a great dystopian novel. …Oh shit, we’re living in a dystopian novel.
SpaceX went public in June of this year with the largest initial stock offering ever. Very exciting. In order to do this, Elon lumped together all his struggling ventures – Twitter/X, XAI, and SpaceX. He also threw in Starlink, which was the only thing making some money. Oh, and Starlink puts thousands of tiny satellites in the sky so we can each have one, but they’re all meant to fall back toward earth eventually and burn up and dump pollution down on us all. Like, that’s actually the business model. So it’s kinda a giant unregulated geoengineering experiment. …But naming it “Giant Unregulated Geoengineering Experiment” instead of “Starlink” would’ve hurt the stock price, I think.
Anyway, SpaceX, which again sounds like “Space Sex,” which is very funny, has one big problem. Well, two big—well, okay, a lot of big problems. For one thing the IPO valuation is based on a bunch of businesses that are either losing money or don’t exist at all. One of the main things is “earth-to-earth upper-atmosphere travel.” This is where you pay the amount it would cost to buy a small baseball team to fly around the world in about an hour by going into the upper atmosphere on a rocket ship rather than on a plane. The thing is this doesn’t exist yet, would cost crazy amounts of money, would release roughly the greenhouse gas emissions of the Philippines, and would be exceedingly dangerous, just to save a few hours on your flight to Tokyo—in a future where being somewhere IRL doesn’t even matter any more. I mean, when was the last time someone said, “You gotta get here quick!” unless someone else was on fire?
But the so-called “worth” of SpaceX is based on the belief that there’s trillions of dollars in these fantasy businesses including space tourism, in-orbit manufacturing, passenger and cargo transportation to the Moon and Mars, energy and manufacturing on the Moon and Mars, and asteroid mining. So in order for SpaceX to actually achieve these things it has to first, um, achieve these things, but then make them financially make sense, and then, in this fucking insane future, become the only or best company doing them in 30 to 900 years, whenever they actually happen. (Which, I’m sorry to say Musketeers, most of them won’t.)
So this would be like me starting a company that says it will create teleportation—instant travel around the globe. And we have no proof we can do it yet. But we have a stock on Wall Street that’s valued at a quatrillion dollars because IF we do create teleportation, we would make a quatrillion dollars. So all these dummies invest in it. And we, the people at the top of my new company, get crazy rich before, about a decade later, it either collapses or we get bought out or whatever. And the only people who lose money is every single small-time investor. …Shit, now that I gave that analogy, I feel like I really need to do that. Why am I not doing that?
Oh, and Elon has found a way to steal your retirement money in SpaceX too. That’s pretty clever.
SpaceX is supposedly worth trillions while it loses billions, and most of its valuation is based on either fantasies or its AI company, which is losing to all the other AI companies. So SpaceX is not a space ship company or an AI company. It’s a pension fund robbing company. …I think I get it now.
When you start to put it all together, Musk is a remarkable fraud. But he’s our fraud. Our genius fraud. Our all-American, born and bred—wait, neither of those things. But he’s in the Oval Office some of the time.
His whole life is based on a con-game. He says he wants to help with climate change by building Tesla into a massive company, yet he shoots rockets that release more global warming emissions in one trip than hundreds of thousands of cars.
He says he wants to fight for free speech and that’s why he bought Twitter, yet he amplifies himself and other far-right voices while conceding to far more government requests to censor people than Twitter did before he bought it. That’s right—Twitter actually has less free speech now than it had before he got involved. Plus, since you have to pay to be seen on Twitter now, he’s pushing pay-to-play free speech. …which is not free speech. It’s rich-guy speech. …Or at least middle-class-guy speech.
He creates the cutting edge Cyber Truck—yet it’s a piece of garbage. Actually it’s kinda a space-age dumpster. In fact, if it were just a dumpster, it would be the coolest fuckin’ dumpster ever. …Followed by the coolest dumpster fire ever.
He creates a self-driving car that has killed and injured thousands of people. …which, at that point, is actually a self-crashing car. But again, that doesn’t sound as good on the commercials.
He wants to solve traffic—by digging holes in the ground rather than making public transportation far better—which would actually solve traffic.
He becomes the richest man in the world with the biggest stock offering in history, and it’s all based on bullshit.
I’m not going to waste your time going through every insane thing he’s said on Twitter—sorry, I mean X. Instead I’ll just wrap up by saying he’s a fraud in almost every area of his life, and what better representation of this demented, frenzied, unhinged capitalist system than to have a giant flim-flam artists as the richest person alive? It’s kinda fitting.